If Loving My Kids Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right

I have run the gamut of emotions this week.  Most of you know I do not do well on the first day of school.  Wait a minute, who am I kidding?  I don't do well the first WEEK of school.  I cry, and usually resort back to bed because I am lonely, and sleeping makes the time pass quicker.  My baby started back to school yesterday (Evan is a Junior in high school), but this year is different.  He drives to school.  Gone are the days when I dropped him off, safe and secure, at the front door of the school, and hours later was greeted by his laughing face when he exited the school at the end of the day with his friends.  Gone are the days when I KNEW he got to school safely, and was out of harm's way on the way home.  Gone are the days when the last thing he heard before he left my car was "I love you, have a good day."  

I really am trying - I'm trying really hard to “let” him grow up and be happy about it.  Yesterday and today, I stood in the garage and watched him pull out in the morning and drive down the street, and waited on the front steps until he pulled into the driveway.  Tomorrow I will not.  I will tell him I love him and to have a good day from the living room, and let him be a confident (almost) 17 year old while he pulls away from the house on his own.  I will not watch for him to drive up the street, nor will I jump up when I hear the garage door open.  I have to trust that God will watch out for him in my absence.  

The same thing happened when Ashley moved out.  She always parked her car on the street in front of our house, but when she moved, that empty spot became painfully obvious to me.  Every time I looked out the front window, I would cry because I knew she wasn't at home in her room.  I would turn the corner on my way home from teaching every evening to see that empty spot just staring at me, and immediately started sobbing.  This went on for weeks - you can ask my husband, who had to listen to me every night - and I felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out.  In all reality, it had been.  My children carry pieces of me with them everywhere they go.  I am left a broken person with patches on my heart, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have raised an intelligent and smart young woman who is very compassionate, and I know she will do great things in her life.   I have learned to trust that God is watching over her and keeping her safe in my absence.

I’m not sure why others think when your children grow up, you shouldn’t be a little sad.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of my kids, and happy they are becoming well adjusted, joyous, productive adults.  But, a very significant part of my life is ending, and while I can look forward to the day when my babies will marry and start their own families, I’m think I’m allowed to be sad.  When I was teaching, a former student asked once what the best job I ever had was, and I told him that“ I love being a nurse and a teacher, but the best job I’ve ever had is being a mother.”  When you think about it, God made woman to be the perfect nurturer and keeper of her children.  When they were babies, I had a never ending supply of nourishment for them, and arms that kept them safe and hugged them when they got a "boo boo", which Evan did often (the kid smacked his head on concrete more times than I can count, and we wondered if he would be brain damaged, but luckily, it was quite the opposite), and although Ashley was a little more reserved, she did drive a Little Tykes car off a deck and down 2 stories of stairs (well, she didn't DRIVE it down the stairs - it was more like an amusement park ride with flips and spinning) and ended up making a trip to the trauma unit to be checked out.  In our home, much to the dismay of some of my family, I made sure my kids know that we were all equal, and that I wasn’t any more important than they were.  I taught them to respect others, but I respected THEM as well.  Just because they were little children didn’t mean they weren’t deserving of respect.   I let my children make decisions at a young age, with caution and a warning that there may be consequences (falling, bleeding, etc.), and they learned that I valued them, trusted them, and wanted them to learn to make the right decision.

I’ve had a few angry spells this week as well.  What's up with God giving me the most precious children on the face of the Earth to love, care for, even die for if need be, and then expecting me to be happy when they grow up and leave?  I admit it, I'm very selfish.  Sometimes, I get angry that He made me a parent in the first place.  I remember my sister telling me that my babies were, in fact, God's children, and He had “loaned” them to me during our time on this giant ball of mud and water.  I felt honored that He would trust me with such beautiful beings, but at the same time I was afraid.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to meet His expectations regarding their upbringing, or that I would make a mistake.  I always told them, "You may have come from my womb and drank my milk, but you are God's Child, and when we get to Heaven, we'll be brothers and sisters in Christ" (Evan has a problem with this – he wants me to be his mom in Heaven too, which I think is precious).  However, in the meantime, I want every second I can get with them, being their mother.  Sometimes I think I would love nothing more than to be selfish, and live in a big house with my babies, their spouses, and children until I die.  I had a dream about that once, and I woke up crying from happiness.  I shared my dream with my babes, and they smiled and said it sounded wonderful.  But, I have a sneaking suspicion that if the opportunity arose, they'd pass, and that's okay too.  But, I can dream can’t I? 

I've read a lot of Amish literature, and one of the main reasons they reject motor vehicles is because families might not stay close if they have the opportunity to drive to other states.  Instead of living many miles apart, parents, grandparents and children always stay within minutes of each other.  I think the Amish have hit the nail on the head - we need to keep our family close.  I honestly don't think God meant for us to be separated by hundreds or thousands of miles, and I think it make Him sad.  I can’t imagine being hours away from my children, and I hope we always stay close, geographically as well as emotionally. 

Then of course, there are those in my circle who think I'm being too clingy, and that I'm not letting my babes reach their full potential because of this.  I admit there are times I have probably been clingier than I should have been, but my babes and I have been through a lot together.   These children are literally a part of ME, and my LIFE has been my CHILDREN.  I stayed home with them, and didn't work until they were in school full time.  My mother babysat when my husband and I had to go someplace alone.  My kids were never exposed to bad habits or behaviors at day care.  They were right there next to me – next to each other - and we enjoyed every minute of our time together cooking, playing games, reading, swimming, taking walks, going to church.  I was the parent my mother was not - I always smiled at them and got down on their level to talk to them; I didn't automatically say "no" if they asked to have a friend over; we played school at home, and my kids were smarter when they started school because of it; they had a home cooked dinner every night and we always ate in the dining room; we were always reading and learning, visiting museums and State Parks.   How am I supposed to, or rather, why should I HAVE TO turn this nurturing side of me off, just because they are growing up?  People are quick to criticize, even though they might have not made the best decisions with their own kids, and this bothers me.  My kids are not their kids, and all the criticizing and good intentions will not change that fact.  I understand they don’t want me to “make the same mistakes” they did, but it comes out sounding condescending, and makes me feel worse and inadequate.

I read a book last year called "How To Be The Parent Your Teenager Needs,” and it totally changed the way I interact with my kids.  It's a Christian book, and the focus was how to learn to change the way you parent, because as kids get older, they need a “different” parenting style.  When children are young, you DO things for them – cook, laundry, clean, nurture, etc. – but as they grow up, you need to learn to just BE.  A good example of how to “BE” is from Luke 10-38-42:

³⁸ Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted with ^[a]all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” ⁴¹ But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; ⁴² but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

As the parent of a teenager and a lovely young woman, I have had to learn to stop being a “Martha” and start being like Mary.  Mary sat at Jesus’ feet and was there for Him, listening to Him, while Martha busied herself cooking and cleaning.  While I still cook and clean, it no longer means the same as it did when they were younger.  I am there for my children when they need me.  I make an effort to be free during times I know they may be more willing / comfortable to talk (for Evan that time is usually after midnight). I try not to poke in their business, and I don’t need to constantly do things to get my point across.  I need to just listen and be there when they are ready to talk.  I would advise this book for anyone with preteen/teenage kids. 

Anyway, I will never look down on a mother who cries on the first day of school, whether her baby is starting kindergarten, high school or college.  I hope I never criticize the way another mother chooses to parent her babies (well, there are exceptions, like Casey Anthony).  I will always be me and I will always love my children immensely, and like it or not, that’s the way my kids expect me to be.  My hope is that they will love their children like I love them – totally, unashamed, and with everything they are.

Just thought I would share this - I love it!! Ever feel like this?
We have all had misfortune, hardships, temptations, and have had to hear the whispers and bear the stares of those who pass judgment based on gossip. I am not immune from these, try to make the best of it, PRAY, and move on. I hope to be able to see my quilt of holes someday.

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls. Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and poverty, I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to God in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

An Open Letter to 'Old Media'.

Sometimes I wish I understood, but could not seem to comprehend why you do it, but then minutes later I did not give a damn anymore. And that is why you will fail.

Why are you so set on who you want the presidential candidates to be? Is it that you see that the Status Quo is threatened? Is change such a bad thing? Maybe the reason doesn't matter. In the end of each day, no matter if you are a democrat, republican, liberal, conservative, neo-con, corporate power representative, or what ever else … We are all still United States Citizens. We all care about America, right … Right? The sad truth is that we do not. Perhaps liberty is not a concern of the powerful, and If you do not care, then I can not care for you. And that is why you will fail.

For years you have force fed what you deem to be important down the throats of Americans citizens. Minimized most of what the public should be concerned about while sensationalizing the mundane and trivial. Did you do it for the all powerful dollar? The same dollar that is now worth half of what it was worth a few years ago? Even as I ask, the reason does not matter. And that is why you will fail.

I must admit that you almost had me. At one time I felt that the United States reigned supreme, the greatest, the infallible, the just. Those were happy times … so I happily ignored reality while I sort-of-listened to your newscasters tell me how it really was. Oh yes, I remember … The 'Sold' war. The logic, your logic, to me it made sense. it was simple really, simple enough for the average channel surfer or newspaper reader to get: To defend, we must go on the offensive. To protect ourself, we must attack them. And years later, after the reasons we went there had changed and changed again … And when there was no army left for us to fight … new reasons were given to us as to why we are still there and why we had to stay and can not leave. But, like so many others, I could flip through the channels, not feeling anything as the casualty toll rose and rose. And that is why you will fail.

If not for you, maybe I would not have ever given a damn. I do not remember exactly when, or how it happened, I can only remember the 'why': Giuliani Vs. Clinton, or maybe Rommy Vs. Obama or maybe it would be McCain VS. Edwards. Flick, flick, flick, same, same, same, 'one of these guys WILL be your candidate, we say so'. I change the channel again. I could not care less because I did not care at all. And that is why you will fail.

I must thank you for opening my eyes. You see, somewhere in the haze, something began to stand out. Every once in a while I would be trying to ignore you while waiting for the next rerun of my favorite show and you would continue to tell us who our president would be. Then you went out of your way to tell us that there was someone who has 'No chance' and you did not know why they were even trying. At first I dismissed it, after all, you were telling us who was 'winning', and you could be trusted, but the more I heard about the guy who absolutely had 'NO CHANCE!', this man, 'Ron Paul would never … could never …', the closer I began to listen. Somehow if you hear shouting for so long, it simply becomes background noise and the smallest whisper can be heard. In all of your screaming about who was winning, the only thing I picked up was the name that you said could not. And that is why you will fail.

"Google Ron Paul!" a sign said. It was somewhere on a side street in MD. I passed it as I drove home one day. Because of you, I remembered that name. I wanted to see what it was about this person that made you so sure he could not be in the running. So I went home and looked up the name. I do not even have to tell you what happened then. Almost any American that does it for themselves already knows what I'm talking about. I will never forget that it was your bias against this man that made me remember him. And that is why you will fail.

Now as I close out this letter, I imagine that for every person who looked into this so called 'No Chance' candidate you think to your collective selves: "So What! You are in the minority, you still have no chance! No Chance! No Chance!" I would just like to point out that our numbers (even though they continue to grow substantially), do not matter. They truly do not. Have you realized why yet? No? It's because the average person that listens to you is exactly like I was. You tell them who you think our next president will be and they will happily sit back and accept that you know what you are talking about. On their recliners or couches, fine with the status quo, they do not think they count and they will not make an effort to vote. After all, You told them the battle has already been decided. With the exception of the ones who look in to the only person who can not win, the rest will not give a damn at all … ever. Meanwhile this minority, this revolution, it does what it does, these amazing things that have never been done before, these are the people who are out there making a change, and then there is you, continuing to do the best thing for us by ignoring Ron Paul. And that is why you will fail.

Jena Six, Modern Day Jim Crow

This is an article from the New York Times....


JENA, La., Sept. 18 — They called it the White Tree. Not because of the color of its leaves or tint of its bark, but because of the kind of people who typically sat beneath its shade here at Jena High School.


And when a black student tried to defy that tradition by sitting under the tree last September, it set off a series of events that have turned this town of 3,000 in central Louisiana's timber country into a flashpoint over the issue of racial bias in the criminal justice system.
Three nooses quickly appeared on the tree a day after the black student sat under it, and not long afterward, the authorities said a white student had been beaten by six black schoolmates. The white student was treated at a local hospital and released; the black students were charged, not with assault, but with attempted murder.


Local civil rights groups objected to what they saw as a throwback to the worst kind of Deep South justice, and that protest has escalated into a nationwide campaign, through Web sites, bulk e-mail and instant messages, black radio stations and YouTube. The effort will reach its peak on Thursday, when thousands are expected to demonstrate here against what they say is the unfair treatment of the black students, who have come to be known as the Jena Six.


Lawyers involved in the case say the attention that the teenagers have received has prompted prosecutors to reduce some of the charges against the youths. And last Friday, an appeals court tossed out the conviction of the only student who has been tried in the case.
Even as Jena (pronounced GEE-nuh) girds itself for Thursday's demonstration, the town — which has already undergone a measure of soul-searching since the case began — finds itself divided sharply over precisely what the case says about their town and themselves.

"Every year at Jena High School there's a black-and-white fight," said Casa Compton, 26, a Jena native, who is black. "It's always been tense. There's always been prejudice and bigotry here. Every day they're throwing away a black man's life down here."
But Tina Norris, 45, owner of the Café Martin restaurant, said she was amazed at the kind of publicity her town was now receiving.
"They make it sound like the whole town of Jena is just one big K.K.K. rally," said Ms. Norris, who is white. "It isn't. We don't have a lot of problems here. This is just a small town."

Critics of how the case has been handled argue that the treatment of the black students is evidence of the persistence of corrosive attitudes about race and crime.
"I think a lot of people recognize that the criminal justice system grinds down people of color every day," said J. Richard Cohen, president of the Southern Poverty Law Center, the civil rights group based in Montgomery, Ala. "Oftentimes, it's nameless, it's faceless. We know the story in a generic way but not specifically. People see Jena as the tip of the iceberg and ask, 'What lies beneath?' "

The legal case began on Dec. 4, when the authorities said that the black youths — Robert Bailey Jr., 17; Jesse Beard, 15; Mychal Bell, 17; Carwin Jones, 18; Bryant Purvis, 17; and Theo Shaw, 17 — beat a white classmate in a confrontation outside the school gymnasium. The charges of attempted murder have been scaled back to offenses like aggravated battery and conspiracy, of which Mr. Bell was convicted on June 28.

Last Friday, an appeals court found that Mr. Bell had been improperly tried in adult court on the battery charge and threw out that conviction. Another judge tossed out the conspiracy conviction earlier this month.

School officials cut down the tree.

Reed Walters, the district attorney of LaSalle Parish, did not respond to requests for comment.
Mr. Bell is still being held in jail while prosecutors deliberate whether to file new charges against him in juvenile court. The case of Mr. Bell — the only one of the six who has been jailed since the fight in December — has struck a chord among many who have followed the case.
"In Jena, for those who have been under the illusion that changes have occurred, this is a wake-up call," the Rev. Jesse Jackson, founder of Operation PUSH/Rainbow Coalition and an organizer of Thursday's rally, said in a phone interview, comparing the case to seminal moments like the Montgomery bus boycott that began in 1955.

College students have been a driving force in promoting the Jena case, and some of those who study race relations say that it has galvanized a generation that is often criticized by veterans of the social activist movement as being too complacent.
"What my students say is, 'It could be any one of us that could be in this predicament,' " said Jas Sullivan, a political scientist at Louisiana State University. "What I see in their eyes is that this could happen to them."

But even here in Jena, there is a sense of perspective and nuance about the case that is often lost in the larger debate. There are white people, too, who say the teenagers should have been tried in juvenile court, and many blacks who insist that the teenagers should be punished if they committed a crime, though in juvenile court.

On Tuesday, Mr. Bell's parents, Marcus Jones and Melissa Bell, and the mother of Mr. Purvis, Tina Jones, were approached by the Rev. P. A. Paul, 78, who is white and said he was a minister at a local Baptist church. A shouting match ensued when he dismissed the hanging of nooses as "kid's play."
"I've hung nooses around my neck as a child," he said.
"Well, you didn't pull it tight enough," Ms. Jones shot back.
After the two sides were separated, Mr. Bell's parents said their son was hoping to be freed from jail soon and resume a high school football career.
"But when he gets out, we're moving out of Jena," Ms. Bell said.
www.colorofchange.org/jena/

New American Bumper Stickers

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century



Bush: End of an Error



That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway



Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First



If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran



Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.



Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?



George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Grandkids Will Have to Fight



Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore



America: One Nation, Under Surveillance



They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It



Jail to the Chief



No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?



Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap



We Need a President Who is Fluent in at Least One Language



We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them



Is It Vietnam Yet?



Bush Doesn't Care About White People Either



Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?



You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.



Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too



When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46



Pray For Impeachment



What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?



One Nation Under Clod



2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified



Bush Never Exhaled



At Least Nixon Resigned

Fascist America, in 10 easy steps

From Hitler to Pinochet and beyond, history shows there are certain steps that any would-be dictator must take to destroy constitutional freedoms. And, argues Naomi Wolf, George Bush and his administration seem to be taking them all.

Tuesday April 24, 2007 The Guardian
Last autumn, there was a military coup in Thailand. The leaders of the coup took a number of steps, rather systematically, as if they had a shopping list. In a sense, they did. Within a matter of days, democracy had been closed down: the coup leaders declared martial law, sent armed soldiers into residential areas, took over radio and TV stations, issued restrictions on the press, tightened some limits on travel, and took certain activists into custody. They were not figuring these things out as they went along. If you look at history, you can see that there is essentially a blueprint for turning an open society into a dictatorship. That blueprint has been used again and again in more and less bloody, more and less terrifying ways. But it is always effective. It is very difficult and arduous to create and sustain a democracy - but history shows that closing one down is much simpler. You simply have to be willing to take the 10 steps. As difficult as this is to contemplate, it is clear, if you are willing to look, that each of these 10 steps has already been initiated today in the United States by the Bush administration.

Because Americans like me were born in freedom, we have a hard time even considering that it is possible for us to become as unfree - domestically - as many other nations. Because we no longer learn much about our rights or our system of government - the task of being aware of the constitution has been outsourced from citizens' ownership to being the domain of professionals such as lawyers and professors - we scarcely recognise the checks and balances that the founders put in place, even as they are being systematically dismantled. Because we don't learn much about European history, the setting up of a department of "homeland" security - remember who else was keen on the word "homeland" - didn't raise the alarm bells it might have. It is my argument that, beneath our very noses, George Bush and his administration are using time-tested tactics to close down an open society. It is time for us to be willing to think the unthinkable - as the author and political journalist Joe Conason, has put it, that it can happen here. And that we are further along than we realise. Conason eloquently warned of the danger of American authoritarianism. I am arguing that we need also to look at the lessons of European and other kinds of fascism to understand the potential seriousness of the events we see unfolding in the US.

1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
After we were hit on September 11 2001, we were in a state of national shock. Less than six weeks later, on October 26 2001, the USA Patriot Act was passed by a Congress that had little chance to debate it; many said that they scarcely had time to read it. We were told we were now on a "war footing"; we were in a "global war" against a "global caliphate" intending to "wipe out civilisation". There have been other times of crisis in which the US accepted limits on civil liberties, such as during the civil war, when Lincoln declared martial law, and the second world war, when thousands of Japanese-American citizens were interned. But this situation, as Bruce Fein of the American Freedom Agenda notes, is unprecedented: all our other wars had an endpoint, so the pendulum was able to swing back toward freedom; this war is defined as open-ended in time and without national boundaries in space - the globe itself is the battlefield. "This time," Fein says, "there will be no defined end."Creating a terrifying threat - hydra-like, secretive, evil - is an old trick. It can, like Hitler's invocation of a communist threat to the nation's security, be based on actual events (one Wisconsin academic has faced calls for his dismissal because he noted, among other things, that the alleged communist arson, the Reichstag fire of February 1933, was swiftly followed in Nazi Germany by passage of the Enabling Act, which replaced constitutional law with an open-ended state of emergency). Or the terrifying threat can be based, like the National Socialist evocation of the "global conspiracy of world Jewry", on myth.It is not that global Islamist terrorism is not a severe danger; of course it is. I am arguing rather that the language used to convey the nature of the threat is different in a country such as Spain - which has also suffered violent terrorist attacks - than it is in America. Spanish citizens know that they face a grave security threat; what we as American citizens believe is that we are potentially threatened with the end of civilisation as we know it. Of course, this makes us more willing to accept restrictions on our freedoms.

2. Create a gulag
Once you have got everyone scared, the next step is to create a prison system outside the rule of law (as Bush put it, he wanted the American detention centre at Guantánamo Bay to be situated in legal "outer space") - where torture takes place.At first, the people who are sent there are seen by citizens as outsiders: troublemakers, spies, "enemies of the people" or "criminals". Initially, citizens tend to support the secret prison system; it makes them feel safer and they do not identify with the prisoners. But soon enough, civil society leaders - opposition members, labour activists, clergy and journalists - are arrested and sent there as well.This process took place in fascist shifts or anti-democracy crackdowns ranging from Italy and Germany in the 1920s and 1930s to the Latin American coups of the 1970s and beyond. It is standard practice for closing down an open society or crushing a pro-democracy uprising.With its jails in Iraq and Afghanistan, and, of course, Guantánamo in Cuba, where detainees are abused, and kept indefinitely without trial and without access to the due process of the law, America certainly has its gulag now. Bush and his allies in Congress recently announced they would issue no information about the secret CIA "black site" prisons throughout the world, which are used to incarcerate people who have been seized off the street.Gulags in history tend to metastasise, becoming ever larger and more secretive, ever more deadly and formalised. We know from first-hand accounts, photographs, videos and government documents that people, innocent and guilty, have been tortured in the US-run prisons we are aware of and those we can't investigate adequately.But Americans still assume this system and detainee abuses involve only scary brown people with whom they don't generally identify. It was brave of the conservative pundit William Safire to quote the anti-Nazi pastor Martin Niemöller, who had been seized as a political prisoner: "First they came for the Jews." Most Americans don't understand yet that the destruction of the rule of law at Guantánamo set a dangerous precedent for them, too.By the way, the establishment of military tribunals that deny prisoners due process tends to come early on in a fascist shift. Mussolini and Stalin set up such tribunals. On April 24 1934, the Nazis, too, set up the People's Court, which also bypassed the judicial system: prisoners were held indefinitely, often in isolation, and tortured, without being charged with offences, and were subjected to show trials. Eventually, the Special Courts became a parallel system that put pressure on the regular courts to abandon the rule of law in favour of Nazi ideology when making decisions.

3. Develop a thug caste
When leaders who seek what I call a "fascist shift" want to close down an open society, they send paramilitary groups of scary young men out to terrorise citizens. The Blackshirts roamed the Italian countryside beating up communists; the Brownshirts staged violent rallies throughout Germany. This paramilitary force is especially important in a democracy: you need citizens to fear thug violence and so you need thugs who are free from prosecution.The years following 9/11 have proved a bonanza for America's security contractors, with the Bush administration outsourcing areas of work that traditionally fell to the US military. In the process, contracts worth hundreds of millions of dollars have been issued for security work by mercenaries at home and abroad. In Iraq, some of these contract operatives have been accused of involvement in torturing prisoners, harassing journalists and firing on Iraqi civilians. Under Order 17, issued to regulate contractors in Iraq by the one-time US administrator in Baghdad, Paul Bremer, these contractors are immune from prosecutionYes, but that is in Iraq, you could argue; however, after Hurricane Katrina, the Department of Homeland Security hired and deployed hundreds of armed private security guards in New Orleans. The investigative journalist Jeremy Scahill interviewed one unnamed guard who reported having fired on unarmed civilians in the city. It was a natural disaster that underlay that episode - but the administration's endless war on terror means ongoing scope for what are in effect privately contracted armies to take on crisis and emergency management at home in US cities.Thugs in America? Groups of angry young Republican men, dressed in identical shirts and trousers, menaced poll workers counting the votes in Florida in 2000. If you are reading history, you can imagine that there can be a need for "public order" on the next election day. Say there are protests, or a threat, on the day of an election; history would not rule out the presence of a private security firm at a polling station "to restore public order".

4. Set up an internal surveillance system
In Mussolini's Italy, in Nazi Germany, in communist East Germany, in communist China - in every closed society - secret police spy on ordinary people and encourage neighbours to spy on neighbours. The Stasi needed to keep only a minority of East Germans under surveillance to convince a majority that they themselves were being watched.In 2005 and 2006, when James Risen and Eric Lichtblau wrote in the New York Times about a secret state programme to wiretap citizens' phones, read their emails and follow international financial transactions, it became clear to ordinary Americans that they, too, could be under state scrutiny.In closed societies, this surveillance is cast as being about "national security"; the true function is to keep citizens docile and inhibit their activism and dissent.

5. Harass citizens' groups
The fifth thing you do is related to step four - you infiltrate and harass citizens' groups. It can be trivial: a church in Pasadena, whose minister preached that Jesus was in favour of peace, found itself being investigated by the Internal Revenue Service, while churches that got Republicans out to vote, which is equally illegal under US tax law, have been left alone.Other harassment is more serious: the American Civil Liberties Union reports that thousands of ordinary American anti-war, environmental and other groups have been infiltrated by agents: a secret Pentagon database includes more than four dozen peaceful anti-war meetings, rallies or marches by American citizens in its category of 1,500 "suspicious incidents". The equally secret Counterintelligence Field Activity (Cifa) agency of the Department of Defense has been gathering information about domestic organisations engaged in peaceful political activities: Cifa is supposed to track "potential terrorist threats" as it watches ordinary US citizen activists. A little-noticed new law has redefined activism such as animal rights protests as "terrorism". So the definition of "terrorist" slowly expands to include the opposition.

6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
This scares people. It is a kind of cat-and-mouse game. Nicholas D Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, the investigative reporters who wrote China Wakes: the Struggle for the Soul of a Rising Power, describe pro-democracy activists in China, such as Wei Jingsheng, being arrested and released many times. In a closing or closed society there is a "list" of dissidents and opposition leaders: you are targeted in this way once you are on the list, and it is hard to get off the list.In 2004, America's Transportation Security Administration confirmed that it had a list of passengers who were targeted for security searches or worse if they tried to fly. People who have found themselves on the list? Two middle-aged women peace activists in San Francisco; liberal Senator Edward Kennedy; a member of Venezuela's government - after Venezuela's president had criticised Bush; and thousands of ordinary US citizens.Professor Walter F Murphy is emeritus of Princeton University; he is one of the foremost constitutional scholars in the nation and author of the classic Constitutional Democracy. Murphy is also a decorated former marine, and he is not even especially politically liberal. But on March 1 this year, he was denied a boarding pass at Newark, "because I was on the Terrorist Watch list"."Have you been in any peace marches? We ban a lot of people from flying because of that," asked the airline employee."I explained," said Murphy, "that I had not so marched but had, in September 2006, given a lecture at Princeton, televised and put on the web, highly critical of George Bush for his many violations of the constitution.""That'll do it," the man said.Anti-war marcher? Potential terrorist. Support the constitution? Potential terrorist. History shows that the categories of "enemy of the people" tend to expand ever deeper into civil life.James Yee, a US citizen, was the Muslim chaplain at Guantánamo who was accused of mishandling classified documents. He was harassed by the US military before the charges against him were dropped. Yee has been detained and released several times. He is still of interest.Brandon Mayfield, a US citizen and lawyer in Oregon, was mistakenly identified as a possible terrorist. His house was secretly broken into and his computer seized. Though he is innocent of the accusation against him, he is still on the list.It is a standard practice of fascist societies that once you are on the list, you can't get off.

7. Target key individuals
Threaten civil servants, artists and academics with job loss if they don't toe the line. Mussolini went after the rectors of state universities who did not conform to the fascist line; so did Joseph Goebbels, who purged academics who were not pro-Nazi; so did Chile's Augusto Pinochet; so does the Chinese communist Politburo in punishing pro-democracy students and professors.Academe is a tinderbox of activism, so those seeking a fascist shift punish academics and students with professional loss if they do not "coordinate", in Goebbels' term, ideologically. Since civil servants are the sector of society most vulnerable to being fired by a given regime, they are also a group that fascists typically "coordinate" early on: the Reich Law for the Re-establishment of a Professional Civil Service was passed on April 7 1933.Bush supporters in state legislatures in several states put pressure on regents at state universities to penalise or fire academics who have been critical of the administration. As for civil servants, the Bush administration has derailed the career of one military lawyer who spoke up for fair trials for detainees, while an administration official publicly intimidated the law firms that represent detainees pro bono by threatening to call for their major corporate clients to boycott them.Elsewhere, a CIA contract worker who said in a closed blog that "waterboarding is torture" was stripped of the security clearance she needed in order to do her job.Most recently, the administration purged eight US attorneys for what looks like insufficient political loyalty. When Goebbels purged the civil service in April 1933, attorneys were "coordinated" too, a step that eased the way of the increasingly brutal laws to follow.

8. Control the press
Italy in the 1920s, Germany in the 30s, East Germany in the 50s, Czechoslovakia in the 60s, the Latin American dictatorships in the 70s, China in the 80s and 90s - all dictatorships and would-be dictators target newspapers and journalists. They threaten and harass them in more open societies that they are seeking to close, and they arrest them and worse in societies that have been closed already.The Committee to Protect Journalists says arrests of US journalists are at an all-time high: Josh Wolf (no relation), a blogger in San Francisco, has been put in jail for a year for refusing to turn over video of an anti-war demonstration; Homeland Security brought a criminal complaint against reporter Greg Palast, claiming he threatened "critical infrastructure" when he and a TV producer were filming victims of Hurricane Katrina in Louisiana. Palast had written a bestseller critical of the Bush administration.Other reporters and writers have been punished in other ways. Joseph C Wilson accused Bush, in a New York Times op-ed, of leading the country to war on the basis of a false charge that Saddam Hussein had acquired yellowcake uranium in Niger. His wife, Valerie Plame, was outed as a CIA spy - a form of retaliation that ended her career.Prosecution and job loss are nothing, though, compared with how the US is treating journalists seeking to cover the conflict in Iraq in an unbiased way. The Committee to Protect Journalists has documented multiple accounts of the US military in Iraq firing upon or threatening to fire upon unembedded (meaning independent) reporters and camera operators from organisations ranging from al-Jazeera to the BBC. While westerners may question the accounts by al-Jazeera, they should pay attention to the accounts of reporters such as the BBC's Kate Adie. In some cases reporters have been wounded or killed, including ITN's Terry Lloyd in 2003. Both CBS and the Associated Press in Iraq had staff members seized by the US military and taken to violent prisons; the news organisations were unable to see the evidence against their staffers.Over time in closing societies, real news is supplanted by fake news and false documents. Pinochet showed Chilean citizens falsified documents to back up his claim that terrorists had been about to attack the nation. The yellowcake charge, too, was based on forged papers.You won't have a shutdown of news in modern America - it is not possible. But you can have, as Frank Rich and Sidney Blumenthal have pointed out, a steady stream of lies polluting the news well. What you already have is a White House directing a stream of false information that is so relentless that it is increasingly hard to sort out truth from untruth. In a fascist system, it's not the lies that count but the muddying. When citizens can't tell real news from fake, they give up their demands for accountability bit by bit.

9. Dissent equals treason
Cast dissent as "treason" and criticism as "espionage'. Every closing society does this, just as it elaborates laws that increasingly criminalise certain kinds of speech and expand the definition of "spy" and "traitor". When Bill Keller, the publisher of the New York Times, ran the Lichtblau/Risen stories, Bush called the Times' leaking of classified information "disgraceful", while Republicans in Congress called for Keller to be charged with treason, and rightwing commentators and news outlets kept up the "treason" drumbeat. Some commentators, as Conason noted, reminded readers smugly that one penalty for violating the Espionage Act is execution.Conason is right to note how serious a threat that attack represented. It is also important to recall that the 1938 Moscow show trial accused the editor of Izvestia, Nikolai Bukharin, of treason; Bukharin was, in fact, executed. And it is important to remind Americans that when the 1917 Espionage Act was last widely invoked, during the infamous 1919 Palmer Raids, leftist activists were arrested without warrants in sweeping roundups, kept in jail for up to five months, and "beaten, starved, suffocated, tortured and threatened with death", according to the historian Myra MacPherson. After that, dissent was muted in America for a decade.In Stalin's Soviet Union, dissidents were "enemies of the people". National Socialists called those who supported Weimar democracy "November traitors".And here is where the circle closes: most Americans do not realise that since September of last year - when Congress wrongly, foolishly, passed the Military Commissions Act of 2006 - the president has the power to call any US citizen an "enemy combatant". He has the power to define what "enemy combatant" means. The president can also delegate to anyone he chooses in the executive branch the right to define "enemy combatant" any way he or she wants and then seize Americans accordingly.Even if you or I are American citizens, even if we turn out to be completely innocent of what he has accused us of doing, he has the power to have us seized as we are changing planes at Newark tomorrow, or have us taken with a knock on the door; ship you or me to a navy brig; and keep you or me in isolation, possibly for months, while awaiting trial. (Prolonged isolation, as psychiatrists know, triggers psychosis in otherwise mentally healthy prisoners. That is why Stalin's gulag had an isolation cell, like Guantánamo's, in every satellite prison. Camp 6, the newest, most brutal facility at Guantánamo, is all isolation cells.)We US citizens will get a trial eventually - for now. But legal rights activists at the Center for Constitutional Rights say that the Bush administration is trying increasingly aggressively to find ways to get around giving even US citizens fair trials. "Enemy combatant" is a status offence - it is not even something you have to have done. "We have absolutely moved over into a preventive detention model - you look like you could do something bad, you might do something bad, so we're going to hold you," says a spokeswoman of the CCR.Most Americans surely do not get this yet. No wonder: it is hard to believe, even though it is true. In every closing society, at a certain point there are some high-profile arrests - usually of opposition leaders, clergy and journalists. Then everything goes quiet. After those arrests, there are still newspapers, courts, TV and radio, and the facades of a civil society. There just isn't real dissent. There just isn't freedom. If you look at history, just before those arrests is where we are now.

10. Suspend the rule of law
The John Warner Defense Authorization Act of 2007 gave the president new powers over the national guard. This means that in a national emergency - which the president now has enhanced powers to declare - he can send Michigan's militia to enforce a state of emergency that he has declared in Oregon, over the objections of the state's governor and its citizens.Even as Americans were focused on Britney Spears's meltdown and the question of who fathered Anna Nicole's baby, the New York Times editorialised about this shift: "A disturbing recent phenomenon in Washington is that laws that strike to the heart of American democracy have been passed in the dead of night ... Beyond actual insurrection, the president may now use military troops as a domestic police force in response to a natural disaster, a disease outbreak, terrorist attack or any 'other condition'."Critics see this as a clear violation of the Posse Comitatus Act - which was meant to restrain the federal government from using the military for domestic law enforcement. The Democratic senator Patrick Leahy says the bill encourages a president to declare federal martial law. It also violates the very reason the founders set up our system of government as they did: having seen citizens bullied by a monarch's soldiers, the founders were terrified of exactly this kind of concentration of militias' power over American people in the hands of an oppressive executive or faction.Of course, the United States is not vulnerable to the violent, total closing-down of the system that followed Mussolini's march on Rome or Hitler's roundup of political prisoners. Our democratic habits are too resilient, and our military and judiciary too independent, for any kind of scenario like that.Rather, as other critics are noting, our experiment in democracy could be closed down by a process of erosion.

It is a mistake to think that early in a fascist shift you see the profile of barbed wire against the sky. In the early days, things look normal on the surface; peasants were celebrating harvest festivals in Calabria in 1922; people were shopping and going to the movies in Berlin in 1931. Early on, as WH Auden put it, the horror is always elsewhere - while someone is being tortured, children are skating, ships are sailing: "dogs go on with their doggy life ... How everything turns away/ Quite leisurely from the disaster."As Americans turn away quite leisurely, keeping tuned to internet shopping and American Idol, the foundations of democracy are being fatally corroded. Something has changed profoundly that weakens us unprecedentedly: our democratic traditions, independent judiciary and free press do their work today in a context in which we are "at war" in a "long war" - a war without end, on a battlefield described as the globe, in a context that gives the president - without US citizens realising it yet - the power over US citizens of freedom or long solitary incarceration, on his say-so alone.That means a hollowness has been expanding under the foundation of all these still- free-looking institutions - and this foundation can give way under certain kinds of pressure. To prevent such an outcome, we have to think about the "what ifs".What if, in a year and a half, there is another attack - say, God forbid, a dirty bomb? The executive can declare a state of emergency. History shows that any leader, of any party, will be tempted to maintain emergency powers after the crisis has passed. With the gutting of traditional checks and balances, we are no less endangered by a President Hillary than by a President Giuliani - because any executive will be tempted to enforce his or her will through edict rather than the arduous, uncertain process of democratic negotiation and compromise.What if the publisher of a major US newspaper were charged with treason or espionage, as a rightwing effort seemed to threaten Keller with last year? What if he or she got 10 years in jail? What would the newspapers look like the next day? Judging from history, they would not cease publishing; but they would suddenly be very polite.Right now, only a handful of patriots are trying to hold back the tide of tyranny for the rest of us - staff at the Center for Constitutional Rights, who faced death threats for representing the detainees yet persisted all the way to the Supreme Court; activists at the American Civil Liberties Union; and prominent conservatives trying to roll back the corrosive new laws, under the banner of a new group called the American Freedom Agenda. This small, disparate collection of people needs everybody's help, including that of Europeans and others internationally who are willing to put pressure on the administration because they can see what a US unrestrained by real democracy at home can mean for the rest of the world.We need to look at history and face the "what ifs". For if we keep going down this road, the "end of America" could come for each of us in a different way, at a different moment; each of us might have a different moment when we feel forced to look back and think: that is how it was before - and this is the way it is now."The accumulation of all powers, legislative, executive, and judiciary, in the same hands ... is the definition of tyranny," wrote James Madison. We still have the choice to stop going down this road; we can stand our ground and fight for our nation, and take up the banner the founders asked us to carry.

Hello stranger

Wow, so much has happened since my last posting...I know, it's been forever, but a lot has been going on. I promise to start writing more, at least 3 times a week. I promise.
Greg and I are no more, which sucked at the time, but now I see that it was for the best. Ron and I haven't talked since June, and I haven't talked to my mom for almost a month. I've also been working more, again which sucks, but we are so short staffed and I really don't have a choice, plus I can use the extra money.

Anyhoo, Greg and I stopped seeing each other in May, and it was freaky what happened. The girl he was involved with prior to me came back into his life. Now normally this wouldn't be such a surprise, but this girl never told him she loved him, even after they had dated for 18 months. He had asked her to marry him, and she basically laughed at him and said no. When she found out that he was seeing someone (me) she decided to give him a call and tell him she'd been thinking about him, and maybe they could try to work things out. That wasn't an option to him, but it opened the door to all the feelings he had been trying to keep out while we dated - you know, fear of being hurt again, not being able to trust someone, etc. He basically told me he was afraid of me and what I could potentially do to him, and he needed time. Blah blah blah. I'd given the man 15 months of my time, and I didn't really have any extra to parcel out. He also wanted me to "wait" on him, but he couldn't guarantee that we'd be together. I waited for about a month, while he went through his moods - first he was angry at me (for what I could do to him), then he was confused, then he was unsure. Finally around the beginning of June, Evan and I went to visit my sister and bro-in-law in Tennessee, and I decided to put my profile back up on Match.com. Yes, that is how I met Greg, and I had had good luck on the website, so I thought I would again. Lo and behold, I met Patrick.

Patrick is a chemist (if you haven't figured it out, I LOVE smart men) and works for Proctor and Gamble. He is way, way smarter than Greg ever dreamed of being, plus I always did like chemistry better than physics. We have the same sense of humor, we like the same music and shows/movies, plus it's just really comfortable being around him. We just passed our 2 month anniversary, and I'm really hoping that this will be the man I grow old with. He is so different, I don't feel pressure to be a certain way; I don't always have to look at certain way; I can act like a retard if I want to (and he generally acts like one right back at me.) We are comfortable just being ourselves, and we love each other for it. The kids think he's great (because, like me, he is an overgrown child.) Could this be it?? I have a really good feeling...more on him later.

Ron has a girlfriend, and apparently I'm not important anymore. Even though we've been through so much together, we haven't talked and it breaks my heart more than you'd ever know. I thought we'd always be friends - I thought we'd always be close. Again, I'm tired and I can whine about his later. This subject will require a lot of time and space.

My mom is just being a bitch. I know that doesn't sound very nice, but you don't know my mom. Since my stepdad died, I've become the beast of burden, so to speak. My bro-in-law told Patrick that he felt really sorry for me because of this. Don't worry, you will get an earful on a future blog. Year and years of frustration and hurt will be spilled, and you will be thinking "DAMN."

So, I'm off to bed now. I will blog on in a day or two, probably Tuesday night. I'm really going to try to be consistent, because if I can get this stuff off my chest, maybe I won't be as stressed. Who knows, it's worth a try. See ya.

Background on my education

I'm a nurse, as you might remember from my previous post. Technically I've been a professional student my whole life, changing majors and wasting money. Hey, I'm not proud of the fact that it took me as long as it did to accomplish something that most people do by their early twenties.

I did get a degree several years ago in manufacturing engineering, and I worked in the aerospace field, which I loved. I love jets, and I love jet engines even more. When I was a little girl, we drove to Tennessee frequently - sometimes just for the weekend. We would drive past GE Aircraft Engines in Evondale, and I would just stare out the window and think to myself, "I want to work there when I grow up." I'm not sure why. My dad was a machinist at GM, and I loved the way he smelled when he came home from work. He died when I was ten, but I still remember the way he smelled like metal and cutting oil. So I entered this program to become a machinist, and took it just a bit further. There were 2 women in the entire class (about 75) and I was one of them. I loved it. I guess I felt like I was carrying the torch.

I've always been more comfortable working with men. Actually, I've always enjoyed mens company more than womens. Women are catty and gossipy. Don't get me wrong....I'm very much a woman and have a strong feminine side. Maybe I just like the attention from men. I was more of a daddy's girl than a mama's girl, and I really hated my dad for leaving me with my mom.


So I started working as a machinist, and quickly was pulled into Quality Control. This was cool because there were not many women in QC in the aerospace field. We made engine components for GEAE, and I was so proud - I actually inspected parts that would fly. I was layed off after about a year and a half because business had slowed down. I was totally bummed, and I realized then that I had entered a field with not much financial security.

I quickly got another job, again in QC, for another GEAE supplier. This time, they sent me to school to become a Quality Rep for GE - my parts bypassed any receiving inspection at GE and went directly to the assembly line. I was an unpaid employee of GEAE, and my dream was slowly coming true. Again, I worked for almost a year and a half until I was laid off due to lack of work.

Michael, the ex, suggested I go to nursing school so I wouldn't have to worry about getting laid off any more. I expressed concern that money would be tight, and we just couldn't survive on his paycheck alone. He said "think about the future," so I did. Unfortunately, during this time of transition for me, he met the sociopath, and things went south.

Luckily I was able to draw unemployment for the entire duration of my nursing school. Most unemployment benefits run out after a few months, but Bush initiated an act to extend benefits for those in the aerospace field affected by 9-11. In October 2003 I passed my NCLEX, and began working as a nurse.

Nurses "eat their own young." They warned us in nursing school, and I thought, "wow, it can't be that bad." It's true. To this day, I still can't understand why it has to be this way. I abhor gossip. Nurses are the biggest group of backbiters / backstabbers I have ever seen. Correction, female nurses. Maybe I'm just not seasoned to working with women, but it's something that I wish would change.


I spent the first six months of my new career at a Quaker run nursing home. I assumed it would be based on Christian principles, everyone working there doing it because they loved their job, and they loved God. I was wrong. I spent the last couple months trying not to kill my coworkers. When I worked with them, they were cool. As soon as I left, the talk started.


I left the Quakers and went to work for the Sheriff Department, as a jail nurse. Wow, this was great. I loved it, and the inmates liked me because I treated them like human beings, where the other nurses treated them like crap. It's innocent until proven guilty, right? Apparently not. Greg didn't like the fact that I worked with criminals, and that I was so trusting - he worried about me a lot. I liked my job, but there were issues there that I was concerned with. Narcotic issues. Actually, there was no narcotic accountability. It worried me, so reluctantly I quit and went to a nursing home 10 minutes from my house that I will refer to as "The Hole."


I have been at "The Hole" for 9 months now. It's not something I'm proud of, because it's not the nicest facility. It was at one time, but right now is not it. I guess most long term care facilities go through times of upheaval, and this is just a bad time for "The Hole." Sometimes I am actually ashamed to say I work there, but I stay there because the folks I work with are great. Plus I care about my residents and I know that when I work, they get really great care. Maybe I will get into my job on my next blog. It will definitely be entertaining, and it will be nice to get things about that place off my chest.

Wow, I'm tired. Just like that, I'm tired. "The Hole" will be a wonderful blog - so much goes on there, so much to talk and rant about. Maybe I will take the trusty laptop to work and blog when I have free time. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will.

Why is everyone so afraid?

I really haven't told anyone about this site. My kids know, and they are glad that I have stepped into the 21st century. I'm not technologically retarded or anything - this is just something new for me. I'm excited about it, and I'm looking forward to posting and just writing about stuff on my mind. I've been needing to write since I gave up journalism as a major. Besides some poetry I've composed for my boyfriend Greg, my brain has turned the creative juices off. So as you can guess, I'm busting at the seams with all sorts of stories, comments, narratives, etc. This will be an outlet for me, and might even be therapeutic. Trust me, it will be fun.

My mother would not approve. She doesn't approve of anything, simply because she is afraid. Of everything. You name it, she's afraid...crime, purse grabbings, car jacking, the internet and identity theft. But that is another blog all together, and I'm sure we'll get to it another day - she is a constant source of aggitation for me, but hey, she's my mom, you know??

So I tell Greg that I have created a blog, for lack of a better word. Even though the man teaches physics and is very smart, sometimes it seems like he lives in his own little bubble. Well, actually I guess he does. He has been divorced for almost 3 years, lives alone with his dog, watches what he wants on TV, listens to what he wants on the radio, eats what he wants, etc. He had never heard of a blog. I explained to him that this is my space to vent, to talk when sometimes talking isn't the best thing to do. He's totally confused. I should have expected this. I quickly changed the subject.

We talked about his going to Edwards Air Force Base with a student next week to watch explosions (physics, remember?) Of course I'll miss him...we've dated for almost 13 months. He's an odd bird, that's for sure, but I don't know what I'd do without him. Then he asks me why I wouldn't be able to talk to him if I had a problem. I tried to explain that sometimes I just need to think and write and think some more, and sometimes it just didn't pertain to him. It seemed like he was afraid that I would have more in common with this blog than him...that Infinitum Nihil would actually talk back and be a better boyfriend. I'm probably wrong. He just doesn't understand that my mind is never idle.

My mind is constantly clicking, counting, planning. I work nights as a nurse - I work 3 - 12 hour shifts a week - and I have a lot of free time. I've been bored with myself for a long time. I need an outlet. I need to write. Even if it is nonsense, or a question I have about the Theory of Relativity, or a comment about how everyone at work gripes and moans (again, another blog,) or just a random thought, I plan to share it. With myself, or whoever reads this. I'm not afraid to talk.

So, where do I start??

Okay, the beginning...my name is Teresa, and I'm going to turn 40 this year. I'm not looking forward to it, but hey, what can I do? I am a divorced mom of two swell kids - Ashley just turned 18 (yet another blog), and Evan is 10. I've been divorced for almost 2 years. It hasn't been an easy road, but I've made it and I honestly wouldn't change anything that has happened along the course of it.

My ex-husband is Michael, and we are actually better friends now than we were during our marriage. Of course, it wasn't like this in the beginning - we hated each other, and said mean things. He made bad choices, and is paying for it now. The woman he left me for was / is a bipolar, sociopath. They were married less than a year, and didn't live together the majority of the time. She was so unstable, the court ordered that the kids couldn't be around her - at the time he agreed to it, because they were fighting. Believe me when I tell you that I'm not normally a mean person. Just someone that looks out for others. Yes, even him, and I begged him to find a "nice" woman. When he had finally had enough of her, they parted ways, and she is currently on the prowl in North Carolina (my family was the sixth family she destroyed - men, watch out for a short nurse with the name of Ginger...)

Like I said earlier, I wouldn't change anything. I've become stronger, and I see all the things I did wrong in our marriage. I will never think the same way again. And we are finally friends. We were friends in the beginning of our lives together and somehow drifted apart, me taking advantage of the fact that he would always be there, and him taking advantage of the fact that he had a wife that did everything for him. Our relationship fizzled, but we were faithful to each other. That had to mean something right??

So anyway, I have a good relationship with my ex, a healthy relationship with Greg, a 2 kids that I love and a job that I am totally into. I really don't have a lot of close friends. Maybe 3 or 4. I'm friends with many, but I don't get close with just anyone because close friends require maintenance. That's sound crude, but you will understand as you get to know me.

My best friend for the last 3 years has been Ron (not just another blog, but a really big blog.) He was my neighbor, and we got close when Michael left - no, not like that. We are like siamese twins separated at birth and adopted to different families. He and I think the same way, laugh at the same things, have similiar plans with our life. Why am I not with him? Well, he is 6 years younger than me, and he isn't ready to be a father, plus I could never give him his own children. We've had this conversation in case you are wondering. It's very complicated, which is why I said his blog would be a BIG ONE.

I will attempt to throw in what diet I'm on (Atkins or South Beach), what medicine I am taking for weight loss (my doctor said she'd let me try Meridia or Xenocal, even though I'm not really medically qualified, based on my weight and body fat percentage), and what classes I'm taking for exercise. We have memberships at the YMCA, and I will be starting my diet(s) and exercise soon. I broke a bone in my right foot just after Christmas, and I have been a slave to a black air cast ever since. Today my podiatrist gave me the all clear to resume exercise, with the instructions to start back slowly. I told him "trust me, all I can do is slow at this point." I'd like to lose 40 pounds, but if I lose 30 I will be extremely happy. I've never been overweight, and I'm not fat - I'm thick, and I don't want to be thick anymore. I was a size 7 until about 5 years ago, and it's weird because it's like my metabolism just shut down. If I lose 30 pounds I will be in a size 7 or 9 again, and I will at last be happy with myself.

I will end this entry now. The fire in my fireplace has died out, and without it I will quickly become bored with my surroundings. Maybe I will sleep. Tomorrow I will connect and start yammering again. This is fun. Even though I speak to no one, this is fun.